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In case you did not know this from before, I am making sure now that you are aware that this blog is completely mine and mine alone. In other words, I say what I want, to whoever I want, however I want, whenever I want. I am entitled to my own opinions as you are to yours. If you don't like what you read, then please go away and never bother to come back. You were not forced or coerced into coming here and most definitely, you are not obligated to stay. So leave, if you think you should. No if's, no and's, no but's, no exceptions.

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

 
My birthday, age 60. Where has the time gone? 60! Jesus, Mary, mother of god (that I do NOT believe in!), HOW can time go by so fast? And I am NOT even having any FUN! The stock market is DOWN. My 401K is worth 1/3rd of what it was at a few years ago! My MCHP stock is down as well, and worth about $25k from a peak of $75K a couple of years ago. I considered selling then, and I should have! And to think Dubya, the shrub, wanted us to invest in the stock market instead of social security! Wotta maroon! I'm glad I did NOT rely on this 401k or my stocks for my retirement! The market is the pits.


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Friday, March 21, 2008

 
Winter is over. The snow we had is gone and unlikely to return. This winter saw a loss of power for 2 days and for a day and a half a few weeks apart. Snow of an inch or more 4 times. Below freezing for weeks at a time. All in all, colder than usual. I had to use the wood stove on 4 separate occasions to keep the house from freezing when the power was out. I left a faucet streaming a little to keep the pipes from freezing solid. I left the attic access open to add heat under the roof so it would not freeze solid. I have several leaks in the roof. I have wet spots on the ceiling drywall in the living room and kitchen and one spot in the back bedroom that just appeared yesterday. I've started budgeting for a new roof, but it is probably too little too late.


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Tuesday, January 01, 2008

 
Happy new year. Went over to Seattle last night to see the fireworks at the Space Needle. Spectacular as always. I drank my way back to the ferry via the bars along 1st street. I damn near missed the last one. Had I missed the last ferry, I would have been on the streets until the first one in 4 hours or so... or be faced with finding a room for what was left of the night. Last ferry at about 1:30AM, first ferry at 04:50AM. I've missed the last ferry before, and it was COLD sleeping in a doorway with all the other homeless in Pioneer Square.


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Friday, December 21, 2007

 
Happy winter solstice. It is dark outside, pitch black.

I've been drifting along, from day to day, night to night, doing work (as little as possible to get by), eating, sleeping, spending money like there was no tomorrow. OK, so I have a pension which will last me until I die that will pay the mortgage and the minimum of the monthly bills, but still, that is no excuse for all the junk I've bought otherwise. My house is getting full, sort of like the "Hoarders" program on the Discovery Channel. It all has sorted of blended into a blur...


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Monday, September 03, 2007

 
Unreal. Today, well recently anyway, the contract I'm on appears it may not be renewed this year. It is time to renegotiate the contract and it appears the gov't is dragging it's heels. I might be out of a job come the 30th. No one on the task has any word.


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Friday, February 02, 2007

 
Answers.yahoo.com - I signed up last July and have been answering a lot of questions. So far, I'm averaging about 50-50 for best answers. Not bad for a beginner.


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Friday, October 06, 2006

 
It has been 10 years
Ten years ago today, I walked into a courtroom and when I was asked, I swore under oath that my marriage was broken. I lied. I do NOT know that my marriage was broken, but that was what SHE wanted, to get out of being married to me. To this day, I STILL do NOT know why this woman I loved with all my heart decided to call it quits. Was there another man? Hindsight says probably not as she was uninvolved to the best of my knowledge for at least 2 years after the papers were filed and became official and we were legally divorced. However, 5 years after the papers were filed, she remarried the man who was her 2nd husband. So, I do not know, and since we are not exactly on friendly terms at the moment, I probably will never know the real reason why she left me. A couple of years back, I had a problem with my credit, my records were revealed by a laptop getting stolen with my data and her data (coupled to mine) on it. It took me a while and a lot of phone calls to finally get her current phone number and call her to tell her that our records were possibly compromised and to warn her of this. My first call was answered with a great amount of anger that I had tracked her down. I was totally amazed and confused by this reaction. I had done nothing that I knew of to raise such anger at my contacting her. I called back, several times, until she would finally talk with me and I told her of the possible compromise of her information. I ASKED several times why she was so angry with me, and got nothing which made any sense, just disjointed phrases about not wanting anything else to do with me. WHY? We parted on what I think were reasonable terms. She wanted out (for some unknown reason and as yet unrevealed) and I filed the papers to give her what she wanted, so why the anger? We were separated for months and I had tried to get her to counseling and everything I had tried had failed and finally, I simply gave up. If she wanted out and was not willing to talk, then the only thing to DO was to dissolve the marriage as I saw I had NO other options open to me. I think I had exhausted everything BUT the final thing of filing the papers and bringing the marriage to an end. Was she angry with ME because I took this action? I think it possible that I maybe forced her into a corner where the only way out WAS a divorce. I left her no way to go back and still save face. Maybe this is why she is still so angry with me. My problem with this scenario is that I tried, many times to repair the marriage and she rebuffed every attempt. What else could I DO? What I think, is that she wanted me to fight for her, and I just did not do what she expected and then was forced into a corner with no other options, and a divorce was inevitable. So, I am sad about this. I still love this woman. She was and still is, a wonderful person, a person I would share my life with, but she does not see it as I do, and hence is angry with me, for a reason I still do NOT know.


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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

 
Credit cards, debit cards

I am sick and tired of getting ads in the mail trying to get me to apply for a new credit card or debit card. I don't get the attraction of debit cards. Debit cards subtract from your account immediately. Credit accounts are simply increased on the balance. If I pay my credit card when due, I get the use of thier money interest free for several weeks. They loan me money and I get a statement and then I pay the statement balance in full and all of the time from the purchase date until the check clears, the money is still in my account earning some amount of interest, and I paid them nothing for this interest free loan. The key is to pay off the balance in full, otherwise they get thier pound of flesh in interest. Oh, and by the way, NEVER EVER take a cash advance. A cash advance is ALWAYS hit with a fee for the transaction AND interest starts immediately without a grace period, a sure loser for you and a sure gain for the bank. Better to never get a cash advance on a credit card. And why is it the credit card companies are starting to send me credit card applications for my ex-wife divorced since 1996, under her new remarried name!?!


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Thursday, July 13, 2006

 
Happy birthday to me... I took the day off from work to make a 4 day weekend. I also am celebrating 6 months without smoking. I quit last January. At the time, I had been cutting down for most of last year. I was down to less than a pack a week on average. The last night that I smoked in January, I had planned on hitting the grocery store since snow was predicted over the coming week, but I was lazy and didn't. I didn't really need to anyway. I drank a few beers and went to bed early. And sure enough, I woke to 6" of snow, so I was not going to be going anywhere for several days. The little Geo Metro I routinely drive does not do well in snow that deep. No problem. The pantry was in good shape. The power was still on (though when it snows around here, invariably my power goes off for 6 hours or more). I've got the better part of a cord of split, seasoned wood if I need it. It was after dinner that I ran out of cigarettes. No big deal I thought, I have a pack in the glove box in the car. The next day, I hiked out through the snow to pick up the mail and discovered no cigarettes as I had thought. Again, I thought, no big deal, as I had gone several times for a week or so. After a few more days, enough snow had melted so that I could get groceries, which I did. It occurred to me after I got back home that I had not bought any cigarettes. And that was it. I cleaned out all the ashtrays, packed them all away except for one metal one I use as a rest for my soldering iron, and I was done. That was 6 months ago, and the only thing I've noticed is I can smell things better. When a smoker walks by, I can tell that person is a smoker. Walking outside when someone is or has been smoking in the area so I get a whiff of smoke, actually bothers me. Even though I was buying a carton a quarter, I have not seen much effect on the budget. I figured the rate I'm saving is about $200 per year by not smoking. Other than smalls and taste, I feel pretty much as I always have. It is strange that I experienced no cravings. I just stopped, and simply did not think about it anymore. So, I spent the $100 that I did NOT spend on smokes and splurged on the menu, steak instead of hot dogs, Velveeta shells and cheese instead of generic.


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Long time, no see...

Once again, I have had a dry spell. Nothing much happening. Nothing of note. Just day after day, with life blending all into a single "day" of sorts. Whoever said we should live in exciting times, was wrong...


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Thursday, April 06, 2006

 
I just feel lost...

Today, is the anniversary of my first marriage, in 1968. It lasted for not quite 10 years, by about 3 weeks in fact. She left me for another man, a good friend. I had everything and I screwed it up. I woke up from a deep sleep because of a dream, a dream about my first wife (To date, I've had 2 marriages in my past). It was a happy kind of dream, the kind where we were doing things and being happy, and I relived many happy moments and then it happened, the bad scene. The bad scene was fiction, but it was so disturbing, it woke me. In my dreams, I sometimes dream about real eents from my past and then intermixed are scenes which are simply impossible and obviously a fiction. My problem is these dream images are mixed so well and blend so perfectly it is almost impossible to separate fact from fiction. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? I believe dreams are the subconscious mind communicating with the conscious mind in something like a simile or metaphor, trying to make sense of something which in the conscious mind made NO sense. The thing is, oh so many years later, I still hold some measure of love in my heart for this woman. Maybe it is because she was my first true love.


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Thursday, March 30, 2006

 
"Feelin' Allright" - Joe Cocker

I love this song. I think people should have a theme song, background music dor the days of their life. This is my choice, this song, to accompany me as I go from here to there and back again. There are other songs I would use from time to time, but THIS one is the MAIN song I want for the background music in the film I am making of my life every day in my mind. There is a TV show, "The Closer" with Kyra Sedgwick on TNT. Now, THAT is a program with music exactly like I hear for myself in my mind, but it is Joe Cocker singing which is the opening theme song of my day when I awake each day of my life (for the moment anyway).


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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

 
Three sheets to the wind

Where DID that phrase come from? Anyway, I got totally blitzed a few nights ago. I wasn't driving, I was staying over at a friend's house, and another houseguest brought vodka, flavored vodka, from the former Soviet Union where he visited late last year. He brought back (and sent back as gifts) gallons of the stuff, high class stuff, not rot-gut by any means, and far better than the "good stuff" we have here brewed in the US. This stuff was SMOOTH, absolutely NO bite. No bite at all, like I said, SMOOTH, and I got totally blitzed and stumbled into the bedroom later and fell into bed and the next day, I did NOT have a hangover! Like I said, this was the GOOD stuff! And the good stuff does not have the properties of a hangover the next day. No wonder the Russians can drink SO much. They don't have the after effects those of us not privy to the really good stuff...


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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

 
Aliens and UFO's

I wonder about people sometimes. I've spoken with people who believe unidentified flying objects are manned by aliens and refuse to believe anything else. Thay all seem to share another belief, that these aliens are benign, altruistic even. Hmmmm... I wonder. If I make the leap to believe aliens have visited this planet, what is there that makes them the "good" guys and not be the "bad" guys on the block? For me, it seems that aliens would more than likely be the bad guys. Think about the difference in technology which must exist for an alien spacecraft to get here from another star system where intelligent life exists, life capable of traveling between star systems to get into our backyard so to speak. None of us Earthlings have figured out how to fold space yet, as Einstein theorized. Einstein theorized that space would bend under the influence of gravity, specifically, that a star behind the sun during an eclipse would be visible because the light would bend around the sun. Sure enough, it was observed to be true fact during an eclipse. Light from a star behind the sun was bent around our sun so a star physically on a straight line and behind our sun was visible to us on the Earth because of the light bending around the sun. It works, gravity bends space or bends the path light takes away from a straight line. So there it is, these guys can bend space like it was a piece of paper folded over and then punched through from one side of the fold to the other making a wormhole that bypasses the usual route in a straight line like light does. That explains how they can apparently travel faster than the physical speed limit of light in our universe and go so far so fast. In other words, they took a shortcut, and to make use of this shortcut, all it takes is a LOT of power to fold space in half and somehow walk across from one side to the other. A good possibility would be a machine which makes or manipulates local gravity. Now for another problem, inertia. From reports of UFO sightings, some of these things travel at really high speed and make right angle turns or reverse course, something impossible to accomplish without something to manipulate inertia. It isn't the sudden stop that kills you, it is being sliced up as you fly through the windshield you just broke because inertia and Newton says once in motion, a body tends to stay in motion. So, the car stops abruptly, and you don't, dying as you get sliced by going through the glass of the windshield. So, you need something to inhibit inertia, somthing which would prevent you from "flying through the windshield" so to speak, where there is that sudden stop, or for that matter a sudden change in course.


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Monday, February 13, 2006

 
I will take some things to my grave

I am sure there are things in your past which you don't want other people to know, ever, so you will take these things, events and/or whatever, to your grave. I won't have a grave if I have anything to say about it. I want all of my organs to be donated and the reaminder to go to science so someone can learn from them, and then when science is done, cremate the remainder and scatter my ashes onto water somewhere. I don't even care if the water is a flush in a bathroom, just so it is water somewhere. The Pacific Ocean is my choice, but hey, you can dump my ashes down the nearest storm drain if you want. After all, I'll be beyond caring at that point. Here is something which I was going to take with me, but I will reveal to you now. I used to steal things. I started when I was a small child, shoplifting that is. It was years before I was caught at it. I got caught when I was 12 or 13 when I got greedy and talked another kid into putting something under his shirt while I put some things into my pockets, something which was too big for him and guess what, we got caught. It seems a guy was watching us the whole time we were in the store. Bummer. I ended up going into informal therapy with a police officer in the town. I lied to the guy. I told him what he wanted to hear, played the game I saw it all as, and strung him along, making a little "progress" each time we met and playing up the remorse part. After a while, I finally was deemed rehabilitated. However, I did not stop shoplifting, I just was careful enough to never got caught again. I learned to be careful. I continued up into my early 20's when suddenly it happened, I saw someone in front of me get caught, an adult, 40's maybe. This person was taken into the back and I asked a cashier what was going to happen to this person and I was told there were going to be charges filed and probably a fine of at last $250 and the person would be barred from the store forever with a picture for all of the employees to see posted on the wall of shame. This seemed like a mighty high price to pay for an item worth less than a dollar and that was when it hit me that the consequences were just too high for me. As I had this encounter, I had several items I had shoplifted in my pockets. I casually returned each to where I had gotten these items and hoped no one would see me as I put everything back. After I had replaced the last item, I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and I have never shoplifted since. I can reveal this now since it has been over 30 years since I had this revelation. I am a better person as a result and my conscience is clear. There are a number of other things however, which I will never reveal, to you the readers, or to anyone. I am sure you have things as well...


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Friday, February 03, 2006

 
A blind date

I go out on blind dates from time to time, but I do not really like to do so. I go to be polite. I feel like I'm going out to a job interview. I am going to meet someone a friend thought I might get along with. Actually my friend who set it up is hoping this one will be THE one for me, and it has rarely worked out to be anything at all. Sure, a couple were promising and worked out for a while and several other dates ensued after the initial blind date, but mostly were one night of awkwardness on both sides. My most recent blind date was set up by a very good friend of mine, actually by his new girlfriend with one of her friends. It started off quite well, as the lady was quite attractive to the eye. I prefer a woman with some curves, not the stick figure model types. 8-7-10 is the ratio I look for, bust, waist, hips. Bust is 80% of hip size. Waist is 70% of hip size. This is what most men find an ideal ratio for the shape of a woman and I admit freely, I really like this shape relationship. I want that curve from waist to hip. It is a comfortable place to put my hand when we walk. I love the curve from waist to hip on a woman. Anyway, this lady had the right proportions for my eye. My eyes feel warm when I see an attractive woman and I felt the warmth when I saw this lady as she walked in the door. Somehow, I knew she was the blind date as she entered the restaurant we were meeting at, and sure enough, she was. We had a nice dinner and small-talked through most of it. I avoided my two marriages like the plague. I avoided talking about my past relationships with other women. I tried to stay positive however, some things I could not avoid an answer to since she asked me a direct question. Anyway, it all seemed to be going well for quite some time and finally, politics came up and here is one place I can't avoid speaking my piece. We fell apart because she is staunch pro-Republican, pro-Dubya and I am against Dubya even though I am mostly Republican. Rats. The date was over at that point even though for a while we continued through to dessert and the doggie bags for the left-overs. I knew and she knew we would never connect since we were diametrically opposed on the President. Sigh. And she looked SO GOOD with curves in all the right places...


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Sunday, January 15, 2006

 
I can't believe the man actually SAID this!

This is a direct quote; read it carefully and think about what he said for a moment before reading further to see who it is attributed to...

"President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale."


This quote is from Attorney General Alberto Gonzales testifying before the Senate regarding the domestic spying authorized by the President.

Washington? Lincoln? Conducted electronic surveillance "on a broader scale?" Say, what? Are you kidding?


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Thursday, January 05, 2006

 
Gift cards? No, thanks!

It was my birthday a couple of days ago and someone gave me a gift card for a local business. Frankly, I'd rather have the cash. Or maybe, donate to the Red Cross or other charity in my name. Think about what happened here, my friend has made me into a captive customer of a particular business, one that I would not normally patronize, but now I have to or let the store keep the money as pure profit. My friend gave this store his money to keep and earn interest on the longer I take to use the card to buy things. They hope I NEVER buy anything so they can keep the money. At least, here in Washington State, purchased gift cards can not legally expire, so in theory the card I have will be good forever and my son may inherit it with my estate and even he could choose use it or not. Gift cards given out by a business for being a good customer CAN expire, but one purchased as a gift with cash can NOT expire in the state of Washington. As I understand it, Washington State is one of 2 states which prevent purchased gift cards from expiring by law. I learned this tidbit recently from a local talk show where one of the topics of discussion was "regifting." I admit it, I regift. I do it logically of course. I label what I get (and really do not want exactly) with the date and who it was from with a yellow sticky so I can avoid the embarrassment of giving something to the person who gave it to me or someone who might mention the gift to the person who gave it to me. I've managed to regift several gift cards in this manner with ones on which my name was not embossed or printed directly on the card. I have to admit, I like the plastic gift cards the best as they look and feel like a credit card. Gift certificates are a whole other matter as they CAN expire even though purchased with cash money. The bottom line is this; I'll regift a gift card if I can but I'll use a gift certificate since I can't regift a gift certificate since it has my name on it. I'll still have bad feelings about you if you give me something with my name on it since you have made me a captive customer though. Be warned.


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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

 
The mayor of Spokane, WA was recalled in a special election

The mayor of Spokane, WA is Jim West. Or rather now, he is soon to be the ex-mayor. Officially, he has until the election results are certified on the 16th. He was accused and indicted of using government equipment for personal gain. I'm not sure of the exact charge. Anyway, as a result of the accusation, a citizen's initiative was proposed to recall the mayor and eventually resulted in this special recall election put before the voters. He lost and has to vacate the office of mayor. Apparently, he wrote a letter to an underage male offering an internship. The evidence seems to indicate that the mayor, being gay, was attempting a liason with this underage individual and the letter was an incentive. This is all alleged mind you, not proven. OK, so I don't like this guy, but my dislike is based on what I've heard, not what I know. I hate myself for thinking what I do about this man with no proof of guilt. I think justice has been perverted here, at least for the time being until this all goes to court. This man has been convicted in the court of public opinion, not a court of law. This was a perverted use of the voter initiave process we have in this state of Washington. I am wholly behind the citizen initiave process to right a wrong done by the legislature of the state. I fully believe innocent until proven guilty. In this case, this man may be innocent as nothing has been proved in court, so maybe everything was as he says. He deserves the benefit of the doubt until positive proof is presented. 65% voted for the recall. The man has admitted to being gay and personal use of the computer to access gay chat rooms but not to do anything illegal and steadfastly denies anything else. I understand violating a company policy of non-personal use of a company computer. I did it myself when I was a contractor for the government doing computer programming a few years ago. I admit, I used time on the clock for personal reasons. I think a lot of employees do this, but the vast majority do not abuse this opportunity. I do not think I abused my employer by reading the New York Times Op-Ed page on company time, well, not much anyway. It was wrong for me to read the Times while I was at work, against company poloicy, but most assuredly not illegal activity.


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Saturday, October 15, 2005

 
I feel exceptionally good today

I woke up this morning and I felt really good. Not just the regular good, but exceptionally good. I was warm, the covers were up to my chin, I was aware of my entire body. where the covers touched my skin, my clothes, the sounds in the house, the wind in the trees outside, everything, and how absolutely comfortable I was at that moment. This feeling stayed with me throughout the entire day. Here it is, late at night and I STILL feel exceptionally good. I'm happy. Something MADE me feel happy, happier than I usually feel. Something I dreamed, something I expereinced in my past which I just remembered again, SOMETHING. I just wish I could put my finger on what exactly it was so I can repeat this happiness at will instead of the once in a while that I feel this good, which seemingly comes at random.

This entry created last night, well after midnight as I ended my really good day...


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Sunday, October 02, 2005

 
Have you ever been desperate?

I mean, really, truly desperate. In the past, I thought I had been, but thinking back, I was never REALLY desperate. Worried, yes. Anxious, yes. Desperate, no, not really.


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Sunday, September 25, 2005

 
Trying to avoid the pity party

This one deserves a comment right up front, I hate going to a party where I am the lone singleton with another lone singleton, female of course. My friends want to "set me up" with one of their single friends. A commendable effort, but unnecessary. They are trying to do something good and for that I give them credit. I do good things for my friends from time to time, though I have never yet tried to set up one of my single friends with another single friend of the appropriate sex. I just wonder why setting me up with a woman they know IS a good thing. None of these set ups have worked out so far, though not for lack of trying. Too bad. However, it MIGHT just work out one day, so I continue to let myself be set up for a date by my non-singleton friends.


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Saturday, September 03, 2005

 
I've found a whole new way to appreciate women

It seems, women have half again as many pain receptors in their skin than us men. End result is this; women feel more pain than us men do. Some would say that us men would have an advantage since we feel less pain. I am not so sure. I think since the study was specifically for pain nerve endings, but it might just apply to other nerve endings as well. I recently found out my (male) genitals have maybe 10 percent of the nerves that women have in the corresponding area. That explains why some women I've been with told me that sometimes they were incredibly sensitive and a simple touch could cause them intense pain instead of pleasure. I know that happens to me too, intense pain instead of pleasure. After sex, some of my parts are so sensitive, the slightest touch causes me pain. One woman I spent time with way back in the early 80's was almost flat chested, but her breast area, and especially the nipples, were incredibly sensitive. Her nipples popped up at the slightest touch, even her shirt moving across them. She was the first who told me that after sex, it got to be painful for her to have her breasts touched. Even a sheet covering her nipples, caused her pain. The effect lasted for several minutes afterwards. It was incredible that she could feel so much sensation. So, this tells me this study which concluded women have half again as many nerve receptors for pain as men, might just carry over to other nerve receptors as well. Cool.


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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

 
An armed robbery in the big city

It was a great day, at least that was the way it started out and continued until a single defining moment very late in the day. This particular day happened well over a year ago, but came back to me while I was watching a movie, which proved to be a trigger to make me remember. Ever had this kind of trigger happen to you? The thing you see in a TV program, a person you see, something which happens, and suddenly a vivid memory of something else comes flooding back and almost overwhelms you in the power of the memory. Well, it happened to me, the flood of a memory triggered by what, I do not know exactly, but it almost overwhelmed me anyway. I was walking home. The street was well it by streetlights in the business district of Bremerton, even though it was quite late at night. A man popped out in front of me, with a very large knife and demanded my wallet. I put up my hands and said "No, I'm not giving you my wallet. The money yes, but not the wallet." In a flash, this is what I was thinking, that I had no fear of being killed by this man. I found out while I was in the Navy that death has no fear for me. I've been near death several times and except for the very first time, I was not afraid to die. My mind set was such that being killed by this robber was no real threat to me. I would die or I would not die in the next few moments and I was again amazed that I was feeling absolutely no fear of death. Was I fearful that I would be hurt or be killed? Yes, you bet, I was fearful of being hurt, but I wasn't afraid; there is a BIG difference. My only weapon for defense would be my words, trying to reason with this guy. So, I said, "Look. There are video cameras on this street. You and I are going on tape at this very moment. There are several possibilities of what can come of this. You and I can simply walk away and no one has to know. You can fight with me and take my wallet and the next thing is I go to the cops, they pull the tapes and you will go to jail for a couple of years for armed robbery. You can hurt me and the same thing happens except you go away for 10 to 15 years for aggrevated assualt, or even attempted murder which gets 25 to life, or you can kill me and get the death penalty. No matter what you do, it all will be on tape and if you and I do not walk away now this minute, someone will be looking at these tapes and identify YOU, and eventually they will find you and you will suffer. It is hard to refute a video tape of a crime. So, are you willing to take a chance on the video tapes made on this street? Here's what I will do. I will take out my wallet which contains a grand total of $30 dollars and MY ID. I have no credit cards and no checks. I'll give you 10 dollars and we both walk away, otherwise you take your chances in court with the video of what is happening here, right now, as if I am alive, I will certainly go to the cops. Are you willing to chance a death penalty for killing me over $30? Are you willing to kill me to get 30 dollars and change? Think seriously about what you are going to do. I hand over a 10 dollar bill and we walk away or, you take your chances with a video of what is happening right now in a court of law. Decide... now. The video cameras are recording everything. I am walking on in 10 seconds. Decide." I waited. After a moment he said, "Give me the 10." Which I did, and we parted ways. This event happened a while back, over a year ago. I was lucky. This guy might very well have been willing to kill me over $30. I do not know there were video cameras on that street. The point was I made him believe there WERE cameras. So I made a deal, for a 10 dollar bill, and it worked, so I was lucky. I wonder about all of this, what could drive a man to rob another on a street at knifepoint, and then settle for a 10 dollar bill. I guess he wasn't such a bad guy after all. After all, he could have called my bluff and I probably would have ended up dead, for $30 which I was not going to willingly give up. I guess I was convincing in my argument. I'm still here. There are smart people and there are stupid people. This guy was being stupid whether he was or not, risking great suffering for a mere $30. I guess I've redefined what it is which makes people act in a stupid manner. Just for information purposes, I carry two wallets. One has $30 and no valid ID, but with a couple of cancelled credit cards I did not cut up when I cancelled the accounts. Let the guy try use an expired, cancelled credit card! The other has my military ID card, my real ID, the rest of the cash and the good credit cards. The one with the $30 is the one I am willing to sacrifice for a robber. He will get $30 and my expired California driver's license and my expired proof of insurance, all of which will do him NO good whatsoever since MY iD cards have my picture and what good is my expired insurance card with no picture ID and vehicle to match? No need to reveal I have another with things which could be used to rip me off big time. After all, my expired ID from an address I haven't lived at in 20 years is of NO immediate use and there is a $20 and a $10 bill to be had at best. Did I end up going to the police to report this incident? No, I didn't. I just let it all go. After all, I did not know for cetain we were on tape and if not, then it would have been my word against his and then again, how would they even FIND this guy? So, no report to the cops. It was easy to keep my word, for whatever that is worth. I told the guy we could just walk away and I would say nothing, so I said nothing, until now, to tell you, my readers.


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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

 
Gender changing

This subject came up in conversation with a friend of mine. My good sfriend Mal, fell in love with a woman, or what he THOUGHT was a woman. Deja Vu. I, too, had an experience which is similar to my friend Mal, with Sandy. I met Sandy several years back. I attended a seminar on a programming language over in Seattle. I met Sandy there during lunch. We bumped heads. She dropped a book and I bent over to pick it up and we bumped heads, literally. What struck me immediately was she was TALL, as tall as I am. Cool. I like taller women for the most part. I introduced myself and asked her name. She was well proportioned, not a stick figure model, but nice curves, and did I mention as tall as I am? Her eyes were level with my own and blue, a deeper blue than mine are. Well, the heels helped, but tall nonetheless, probably 5' 10" or so. And blue eyes, deep blue, sort of like dark cobalt blue, and deep, like still waters are deep. Did I mention I was lost in the blue of her eyes? I looked at Sandy and I have to admit, I was smitten. Her eyes were just so brilliant and alive looking. My friend had a similar expereince, somehow he met a woman and was smitten in the same manner as I was, almost at first sight. Do not get me or my friend wrong, both of us are completely straight males. Both of these ladies, though male at birth, were female as we both perceived them to be. Being male or being female seems to be more a state of mind than the physical body which houses the personality. Before this expereince, I was firmly of the mind that a woman was the right person for me, but now I find a female is not necessarily a physical thing. I was highly attracted to Sandy, though physically, Sandy was a male and had male body parts. (Sandy had the one final stage of surgery to go through, which I was unaware of at the time.) I'm hung up on this, the thought of a vagina and a penis defining female and male, and what is it exactly which makes a person female or male. The biological parts are important to me. I value my penis. My penis is (was) designed to fit inside a vagina, with the end result being a baby. I am a man, male, and straight, yet I was on the verge of falling in love with a biological male. This, is just so hard to comprehend, the concept that male and female is a matter of state of mind rather than simply a biological circumstance. What are the odds of two men almost falling in love with two transgendered males? It boggles the mind. I found out Sandy was really male through a freak circumstance. She said later she was going to tell me before we had gotten to the point I would have found out on my own by trying to go further than second base. OK, so her tits were fake, and when I felt them, I knew they were implants, but then again, a lot of women have boob jobs these days, so having fake tits was no big deal with me and this job was a really good one and I think if I had not had an expereince with implants previously, I would not have known the difference. After all, the 1st woman I married had a boob job, and it was done really well, almost no signs, you had to really manipulate them to tell there was an edge to the implants. (What irks me about women and implants is that most women get ones which are simply too big for their body shape and frame size. My 1st wife got smaller implants, enough to go from a AA cup to a C cup in size, which fit her body shape perfectly and exactly. A C cup was how big her breasts got when she was breastfeeding our son and she looked fantastic at that size, perfectly proportioned to her frame.) The bottom line is my friend got past 2nd base and found out in a way I did not. I went to see Sandy one day at lunch, finding myself in the same area as the place where she told me she worked at Microsoft, and when she came out to see me, I saw she was actually a he (or was crossdressing as a man. Either way, she was not a she but in a business suit and a tie.) Her first words were, "Ralph, we have to talk." Damn. I hate those words, "We have to talk" coming from a woman. Every woman I've known having to "talk" has always ended being a bad thing in my experience, always. I can't think of a single instance of a woman wanting to "talk" which turned out well for me in the long run. To continue, Sandy and I went out to lunch. I left the flowers with the receptionist and kept the card. Sandy and I talked for quite a while. It felt strange to be sitting down with what appeared to the outside world as a man for lunch and instead thinking of this person as a woman dressed in man's clothes. The personality I was sitting with was female, the body I was sitting with was male. This was a very confusing time for me. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the conflicting image and feeling. I still have no answer to my feelings from that time. I ended up telling Sandy, I would have a hard time seeing her knowing the truth, at least until she completed the final operation. I sensed I had hurt her very deeply. She said she had planned on telling me, but just hadn't gotten around to finding the right time.

Years later, I received a postcard from Sandy. She had completed the final stage of surgery and was involved with a man who knew the details of her past and was satisfied with what had happened and what was now. I am glad for her, that she found someone. Sandy was a good expereince in my life and I value the memory of our brief time together.

I think a lot of men have a distorted view of women, they want a stick figure supermodel. I have to admit, when seeing a fashion show on a runway, I am attracted to the stick figure supermodel. Look at the Victoria Secret catalog. I do not want a stick figure model, maybe Twiggy is an exception. I saw her in a cameo in "The Blues Brothers" and she filled out wonderfully to be a very womanly person with womanly curves in my opinion. I want a woman with real curves and I've found a few extra pounds are just fine by me. I do not want a living "Barbie Doll" just a woman who has womanly curves with decent womanly proportions. After all, Marylyn Monroe wore dress size 14, and there is no man I know who says she was unattractive. Look at her in the movie, "Some Like It Hot" or "The Seven Year Itch" and you will see what I mean about womanly curves.


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